


Always

by needfricnds



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Episode: s04e01 The Flash Reborn, F/M, Fluff and Angst, sort of a spec fic, that i wrote ages ago lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 10:30:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15094838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/needfricnds/pseuds/needfricnds
Summary: 4.01 - Barry reappears, but not without a new perspective.





	Always

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this exactly eight months ago and posted it somewhere on tumblr after the episode aired, but thought you guys would enjoy reading it!
> 
> basically an insight to barry's thoughts during his 'beautiful mind' phase, hope u like!

_Running, running, running home to you_  —

 

They showed him everything. There was no blood in his veins; only  _sp_ _eed_. He was just like them - made of pure energy. He saw the birth of the universe, as unheard,  _whispering_ voices cracked their cheeks and blew the first wind of quarks and atoms into space.

 

And he was there when the last star _died_ , desperate and alone; over and over and _over_ and _( i think… we need some space, for a while_ _)_.

 

Barry had lived and relived his entire life, thousands of times, and had seen the most unbelievable things. He understood dark matter; the theoretical no longer a myth _( it’s a whole new way of looking at physics! )_. He knows what lies at the end of Everything.

 

None of that could beat seeing the birth of his children, though _( this house... is bitchin’ )_.

 

The universe was no longer complex, but this knowledge was beyond what he could translate. It was so grand, but it _hurt_. These thoughts… they clawed and _burned_ in his skull, desperate to escape. They need to go _somewhere_. They gave him a marker, so he writes, and _writes - nights - lights —_

 

_CAN YOU HEAR THE STARS? SCREAMING? - CRYING - TRYING —_

 

He can’t think straight. Outside of the Speedforce, it’s too much data to process, even for a speedster. How long would you last if you had the entire universe inside your brain?

 

He is coping, albeit _badly_ , by allowing his thoughts to sprawl wildly over these four walls. He wonders how the human race could be so blind to what the universe has to offer. They’re always taking - _breaking ( nora shouldn’t be here )_.

 

The multiverse broke once, and nobody noticed. Nobody except Barry.

 

"Time… back in time… do what you have to… we must _save the world_ …"

 

A searing sensation shoots through his head, and Barry yells, throwing the marker across the room. _No_ , he needs to keep going _( keep loving, keep running. for me )._  He’s not done, but he’s growing restless. Frustrated. Pale, shaking, hands curl into his unkempt hair, searching for any other pain to focus on. Nonsensical murmurs escape his lips in a pained sob.

 

Everything seemed so simple in the Speedforce — but he was taken out too soon. _Too soon. No thank you. Sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now —_ his brain is filled with too much information that, at times, doesn’t make sense. It’s killing him from the inside _( i didn’t kill anyone, please your honour! i’m innocent. )._

 

Barry stops, noticing the marker rolling back towards him. He reaches for it; bursting with sudden inspiration. _N_ _eutrinos – string theory – hands off my fries!_   He barely notices the people coming in and out of the room. He’s not listening; he can’t hear anything over his thoughts, the soft marker scribble, the stars are _too loud ( stop- STOP! don’t do this! )_.

 

A woman walks in, the sound of her heels breaking through his thoughts. She offers him food in a soft, motherly voice; an opportunity to rest. _( nora shouldn’t be here )_.

 

She asks if she recognises him.

 

He scrubs a hand over his face instead.

 

"How long do you think he’ll stay asleep? _\- creep - keep running home to you. expect the plan, man — no plan, no._ " he shakes his head, pressing his hands to his eyes with a pained _gasp_. She says something about people coming to get him, but when he lifts his head, the room is empty again.

 

He can’t remember if that was hours ago or five seconds ago.

 

He keeps moving around, thoughts mismatched on each wall, because his body hurts when he doesn’t move for too long _( i can’t breathe; teen me lived for danger. cigarette smoke - choke - broken, all BROKEN )._

 

_All I can do is move forward. I really hope you can too._

 

Four, five, _six_ pairs of footsteps now enter. There’s the woman from before — but the others are new. He hears his name being spoken in familiar voices. He knows their faces, he _knows_ that he knows _-_ _crows - that lightning CHOSE you, Barry —_ but the information is lost to him. It’s buried deep within those origami folds of the universe inside his head. He stands, facing these strangers. They all look so… relieved to see him. _Why?_   Who are they to him?

 

"Nora shouldn’t be here…" he shakes his head, looking confused on the group.

 

The woman closest to him calls herself Iris. It sparks a memory.

 

_( iris… did i lose you? )_

 

Iris looks sad, like the rest of them, but her sorrow stands out. _Why?_   He grows more and more nervous — _he begs the judge for his life and the stars won’t STOP SINGING -_ _RHYMING - CHIMING ( every hour every minute )_.

 

They are _too loud._

 

Barry tries to keep writing, he really tries, but he just can’t. It’s too overwhelming and he screams because his head is on _fire_ , too much noise and _pain - gain - rain_. The looks on their faces suggest that he’s scared them and _i’m so sorry i- i didn’t mean for this to happen, i —_

 

Something sharp is jabbed in his elbow. The last thing he sees are apologetic eyes, before darkness shrouds his vision.

 

* * *

 

 

Barry wakes up from a dreamless sleep.

 

If the music in the background wasn’t enough to wake him up, the light in his eyes was. His head aches as his thoughts start returning to him, though not as intense as before. _The stars are raining._  He needs to get up — keep writing things down. _It’s too soon, too soon._  

 

The people that surround him are the people from before the darkness hit. His younger self cries out for his father, when Barry sees the officer sitting in the chair, and he pleads for Henry's innocence. He leans against something, and sudden inexplicable  _joy_  fills his heart. He laughs.

 

"We’re gonna need more diapers…"

 

There’s a marker in his hand now, so he writes, and writes.

 

Iris is the only person left in the room with him. She’s talking, but he’s not listening. Just writing.

 

And then she… _leans_ on him.

 

His heart skips a beat; her tears staining the fabric of his t-shirt. She’s sad again, but now he’s filled with sorrow himself. He wants to dry her _tears - fears - clears_. Why? What changed?

 

He feels the speed flowing under his skin, the vibrations overruling his body, and the sudden desire to run again. If he runs, maybe he’ll remember. If he runs, maybe Iris won’t be sad anymore. Lightning flashes behind emerald eyes, and he’s off but —

 

He feels cold, _so cold — ABSOLUTE ZERO_. The darkness returns.

 

* * *

 

 

Barry’s time in the cell is a blur but, he knows that he’s used it wisely ( considering that he needed to use the floor for more space to write ).

 

He’s started to remember more about this life — that the people who’s names still escape him are his _family_. Not his blood, but his chosen family. Iris is special though — otherwise, he would have forgotten her name earlier. It sticks out like a sore thumb in the forefront of his mind.

 

_Iris - Iris - Iris._

 

He’s written her name down a lot, now that he thinks about it. She must be important to him. If only he could put other names to faces. Though that would mean forgetting what the Speedforce showed him, and that makes Barry nervous, because he’s not finished writing. Nowhere near finished.

 

The man that comes in to shave his beard makes Barry feel safe; cared for. His eyes fall closed as the man’s hand, calloused by age, strokes his cheek. It’s in this moment that Barry realises just how tired he is. The complexities of the universe are not out of his head yet, and it’s too much work.

 

He likes the simplicity of this man’s touch, that quells the storm in his brain.

 

He remembers a time when a lot of things used to be simpler.

 

It seems like an eternity before the same man comes racing back to his cell, an air of urgency about him. He pleads with Barry — a mention of Iris makes Barry’s hand tremor. _No_ , you can’t stop writing keep going, _keep going_. The man's emotions are leaking through the glass and Barry soaks them up like a sponge.

 

His head hurts.

 

"I doubt restraint is how you got to be the man you are today _\- play - way - no way! HIGHWAY, BYWAY!"_

 

The man calls him son,  _( i’m not your kid, joe! and you’re not my father. )_ and begs him to save Iris. _Iris is in trouble_. Barry’s hand stutters. but then the man- _Joe_ \- says that _IRIS IS GONNA DIE._ The words part the treacherous sea of thoughts, tearing down the universe inside his head like old wallpaper. Barry finally stops writing.

 

Lightning flashes behind his eyes once again, feeling the Speedforce through his veins as it, at last, lets him go. He remembers. He sacrifices the _entire universe_ inside his mind; the answers to Everything, all for her.

 

For his future wife.

 

_Iris is going to die. You know what you have to do._

 

* * *

 

 

_Running, running, running home to you —_

 

The Samuroid was no match for Barry’s new-found speed. He weaves in and out of falling windmills, as he races to protect the woman he loves. He hears his family in his ears, the new suit feeling like home to him. Joe, Wally, Cisco, Caitlin, they’ve got his back.

 

He takes a leap of faith, and steals Iris right out of Samuroid’s grasp. Once she’s on the ground and safe, then Barry desperately,  _finally_  breathes a sigh of relief.

 

He doesn’t know how he got here — last thing he remembers is taking his mother’s hand; embracing the Speedforce.

 

But Iris is alive, and that’s all that matters now.

 

" _Barry_ , you came back to me."

 

It's like a prayer on her lips, and he smiles.

 

"Always."

**Author's Note:**

> procrastinating wips by revisiting old fics is a real problem y'all


End file.
